Look, kid. Nature is like a runaway dump truck: hot, fast, and full of garbage.

-Glossaryck of Terms, Star vs. the Forces of Evil

Okay, as an “indoors” kid, I don’t know half as much about the outdoors as I should. You have been warned.

All I know about the “great outdoors” is that they’re hot, wet, and very, very, very painful.

Veeeeeeery very very very very very painful.

VEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERYVERYVERYVERYVERYVERYVERY painful.

Now, here’s what I know about the outdoors:

1. Bugs.
2. Plants.
3. Animals.
4. VEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERYVERYVERYVERYVERYVERYVERY painful.

So, you see, if you like the great outdoors, you may want to stop reading as I CRITICIZE EVERYTHING YOU LOVE.

Bugs

Bugs are annoying.

If you’ve ever had an experience with bugs, you can probably agree with me. Apologies to entomologists in advance.

Here’s a list of reasons why BUG IS BAD:

1. Mosquitoes: These evil little bloodsuckers are listed as the “Most Dangerous Animals in the World” for a reason. Only the virus-carrying, bloodsucking, unswattable mosquito can rank above crocodiles, box jellyfish, and vending machines.
2. Fire Ants: Now, where I live, fire ants are common as fire ants. There are so many fire ants, that the fire ants fire ants fire ants fire ants fire ants fire antsFIREAAAAAAAANTS.(They’re so fire ants.)
3. NotFire Ants: They’re so… they’re so tiny… and so… so tiny and mouthy… and they got the little… the little teethy thingies… on their… their little mouthy thingies…
4. Cicadas: These guys are the most ANNOYING LITTLE INSECTS EVER TO CREATE AN AUDIBLE DISTURBANCE, and I feel SORRY THAT THEY EVER CAME INTO THIS WORLD.
5. Bees: ouchie
6. Grasshoppers: Never actually seen these guys. Do they, like, hop on the grass? Or, like, over the grass? Or into the grass? Are they, like, magic portal openers? Do they hop through the grass into a magical realm where grass and hopper live in harmony? Is their name a metaphor for the futility of social hierarchy and government? CAN THEY BE EATEN? DID THEY REPLACE THE GOVERNMENT? ARE THEY REAL???
7. Crickets: I dunno, aren’t crickets just grasshoppers in disguise, plotting to take over the meatball industry through musical comedy by pretending to be seahorses?
8. Butterflies: Butterflies are the malfunctioning drones of the impending grasshopper invasion. We may think them beautiful now, but rest assured, we won’t think so when they’re TEARING OFF OUR TOENAILS TO FEED TO THE GRASSHOPPER OVERLORDS.
9. Moths: Moths are the fully-functional drones of the grasshopper invasion, now with night vision and an attraction to light, obviously a sign of their DESIRE TO PLACE US INTO THE GROUND AND PLANT US LIKE A TRACTOR.
10. Earthworms: We may think that they’re aimlessly worming through the ground, but they’re actually placed there by the grasshoppers to eat all the dirt and replace it with flammable dirt, to that when the invasion starts, the grasshoppers can set the ground on FIRE and destroy all the HUMANS!
11. NOOSSTRATSNOISAVNIREPPOHSSARGEHT
12. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Plants

Now, there are good plants, and there are bad plants.

Completely ignoring good plants, I’m going to talk about bad plants only, because I personally identify with them they have cool names and stuff.

So, apologies in advance to gardeners and botanists while I INSULT YOUR LIVES.

Certain plants can be harmful, but you can easily tell by the names, because if a plant is harmful to you, it’s likely to have one of these keywords:

1. Poison
2. Death
3. Fire

So remember: PDF is bad! So is file formatting!

The PDF markers cover most harmful plants, but if you’re out in the woods, there won’t be a sign to tell you “Hey! This is poison sycamore!” or “Hey! This is firedeath poisonfire!”

I was taught, “Leaves of three, let it be,” to know about poison ivy, but all the leaves look awfully similar in the woods, and honestly, more than half the time, you won’t notice the ivy until it’s too late. And that’s just poison ivy. I don’t even know what poison oak looks like. And what about the “death” and “fire” categories? I’m not a plant scientist. I don’t know about plant sciencing. All I know is, “Leaves of three, let it be,” and that has literally never helped me.

Ever.

So instead, I urge you to rebel against file formatting. P-D-F IS B-A-D! YEAH! I MADE COMMEMORATIVE T-SHIRTS! (Call 555-733-3845 to order your PDF is BAD T-shirt today! PDF is BAD INC. is not responsible for any horrifying skin diseases caused by wearing the PDF shirt.)

Animals

So, we’re finally here. Animals can be adorable, cuddly, and SO VICIOUS THEY RIP YOUR FACE OFF IF YOU EYE THEM WRONG, so it’s important to know what is good and what is bad in the world of woodland creatures.

1. Deer: Not actually very dangerous unless they have horns. Will ignore you willingly to graze. Very fast: do not engage in foot race. Repeat after me: DO NOT INSTIGATE A FOOTRACE WITH A DEER. No, I genuinely want you to say that. You may feel ridiculous at first, but you’ll thank me later.
2. Birds: There are many different kinds of birds, including: [deep breath] pigeons, eagles, swans, falcons, hawks, ducks, geese, owls, parakeets, hummingbirds, songbirds, percussionbirds, emus, ostriches, roadrunners, penguins, peacocks, chickens, crows, ravens, turkeys, dodo birds, parrots, macaws, flamingos, doves, turtle doves, dove turtles, cormorants, harpies, [gasp of air] partridges, kingfishers, pelicans, seagulls, blackbirds, bluebirds, cardinals, finches, magpies, pegasi, blue jays, toucans, budgerigars, canaries, tits, sparrows, woodpeckers, herons, cranes, swallows, phoenixes, cuckoos, storks, sporks, quails, quetzals, hornbills, spoonbills, robins, swifts, sandpipers, starlings, vultures, turkey vultures, chickadees, chickpeas, albatrosses, loons, kookaburras, ibises, kiwis, and here’s where Patrick breaks down and starts sobbing at the pointlessness of it all. *sob sob*
3. Squirrels: To imagine the life of a squirrel, please imagine eating your favorite food forever and being perfectly content, and then promptly being run over by a tree.
4. Fish: IT’S TIME TO LIST ALL THE FISH IN THE WORLD EVER! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! I won’t use any spaces this time because spaces reduce breathing time: [huuuuuuuufffffffff] basslionfishfishlionclownfishangelfishsturgeonsurgeoneelelectriceelkoipacucatfishpneumonaultramicroscopisilicovolcanoconiosissharkotherkindsofsharkcodherringsalmonandalltheothersohnoI’mrunningoutofair [faints]
5. Rabbits: I’ve always felt sort of a spiritual connection to rabbits, and I’m not sure if it’s because I was born in the year of the rabbit according to the Chinese Zodiac, or just because I like carrots and have a flinch instinct, but what ever it is, I have a connection to rabbits. Whenever I see a rabbit, I look at it, and it looks at me, and we share a bond, human and rabbit, and then the rabbit runs away, but it knows that the bond we now share will outlast space and time and the universe itself because I AM NOW THE LORD OF RABBIT AND I WILL FIND THAT RABBIT NO MATTER WHAT BECAUSE RABBIT
6. Lizards: Lizards are… uh, scaly… um… they have cold blood… sometimes they’re green… I dunno, I’m tired. You can only list so many birds before you completely exhaust your sense of creative writing.
7. Beavers: This list is over.
8. Hedgehogs: No, I said this list is over.
9. Bears: OH NO THE LISTING IS REBELLING AGAINST ME
10. Marsupials: HELP
11. X SEVW VPWPC, PYH NGXOMYV RLR SLSW QP CDH! LAZEOESPWLLAZE!
12. 🔎🔎🗝️🔎🔎🔎🔎pleh esaelp↩️[erauqs erenigiv]
13. PSF CTN’U DIV WUXJV FFT ROV VRFW GASK XSE ZRBDWYOCIWIW LRX TBVMEG BOWI EYD BF ZZY UOA’M LYIY… UA… GFYIIIP ZJRWDHHPQPV-IEYTLVH EHKEBE!

Bottom line, don’t try to list all the animals in the world. Unless you want to go for the Guinness. Then you can try to list all the animals in the world.

VEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERYVERYVERYVERYVERYVERYVERY Painful

What, you thought I wouldn’t make this a section? Guess you’ve got a lot to learn about this blog.

In short, nature can be harmful, dangerous, and generally horrifying. Don’t go on a hike. EVER.

But then again, we humans have a knack for choosing precisely the wrong thing to do. The odds are high that you won’t actually listen to me. Heck, I don’t even listen to me. I love taking nature walks.

So maybe nature is harmful, poisonous, venomous, terrifying, and always has branches in precisely the spots where you don’t want branches to be, but isn’t that kind of the point?

I mean, we humans have gone this far trusting nature, so we might as well go the extra mile.

So I’m gonna go against everything I just said in the last couple sections and say, go outside. Stop reading this and go outside. Just remember not to anger the secret grasshopper overlords. They don’t like being angered.

RFRG EWPX JFOJKNFTPXFM! 

One more thing: I never dreamed I’d have to say this (saying this would mean I have actual comments), but no ads. Most of the people adverting down there would already have their blog links in my post sidebar, so there’s no reason to add comments just to get more visitors. Cool? Cool.